What's love anyway?

Love.

I am convinced that if I were to truly know what love meant, it would change me completely.

I am convinced that I have created countless bucketfuls of "love sand castles" in which I have proudly presented what love is and what love does to myself. For instance, I know that it hugs when it feels like it and, well, sometimes when it doesn't. I know that it tries to humbly let someone else go first, even when it wants you to just hurry up so we can get this over with. It speaks softly, not rudely...even when the words still sting. But when the feeble conditions of my love-towers have been kicked over after a long day at the beach, what I have seen is that these "sand fortresses" are merely a shadow of the unconditional love that I have craved to have.

Transforming, unconditional love. I am still convinced that I don't understand this. But knowledge alone puffs up; it is love that builds up. So am I searching for "knowledge" alone or digging deeper than that?

Enter: Commercial Break
Right now, I am wondering why the picture of sandy beaches and sand castles are playing a role in my heart's forensics. And I don't want to answer that either.
Sand. There is no substance to it. Nothing can be built on it. It can sustain only: nothing.
Sand castles. Castles are supposed to be fortresses. Strong towers. Sure, if they're not made of sand. That is plainly ironic.
The beach. A place where sand is...and I am. I am at the beach. But where must I go to find the kind of love that I need so desperately for new ground? My heart needs a new picture.
End: Commerial Break.

I am convinced that love is not knowledge.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." (1 Cor. 13:13)

So love is more impressive than faith. But...what?...how can this be?...Faith only the size of a mustard seed can move a mountain! Is love really stronger then that?

...what is love moving in my life?

And love is more compelling than hope. Hope doesn't disappoint. Hope will never be put to shame. Through hope, strength is renewed.

...how is love being satisfied, unashamed and strengthened in my life?

Enter: New picture

So I had this picture one day that I was on the absolute tip of a mountain peak. The peak was so tiny that everything I had carried with me to get up there was falling off of me...back down the mountain. I looked down and almost went with it the load I carried. I needed something to cling to because I was losing my balance. Looking down would send me down.

I looked up. And in the picture, there was a foot extended towards me from above and I grabbed onto the big toe and clung as the last pieces of me rolled down the mountain. My life was saved. Just barely. And I squeezed as though my life depended on it. It did. And I somehow knew what I hadn't known before. That I was somehow safe as long as I was clinging to...

His foot.

Love begins

generous

with a new address

birthed at the base

and extending

upwards

towards

the peak

Where all my pretenses,

defenses

packages

and sandy castles

roll away

because I can hold them

no longer

and all that is left is

looking up

Take me to this place

Where I will

be

and love

with

no conditions.

Painting with BLUE

I still remember one of the saddest poems I ever heard (from a pizza commercial). It started with a small child, who walked out of darkness under a solitary spotlight as though doing a monologue on stage. Her eyes, her voice, the hole in her heart...commanded my attention as though it were real...

"I am a gaping void

where loneliness resides

The song in my heart

Turns mournful

and off-key

Where have you gone?

Where have you gone?"

It reminds me of something I read in a book about modifying your child's behavior that an unhappy child is a healthy child. It seems paradoxical, but they said it because they feel that:
"unhappiness motivates change."
True enough. That knowledge has often changed the way I view temper tantrums. Instead of feeling sad as I walk away, I know that it is a pivitol moment forming their future choices.

But child behavior is not my point. My point is adult behavior. More specifically, my behavior. When I feel sad, is it just a self-pityful, whiny, temper tantrum? Or am I using it for the basis to motivate change within me.

Another cup of coffee
mind swirling
around the mug
Another attempt to bury
emotions curling
just needing a hug

Don't be threatened by thoughts
just change them
exchange them
renew the BLUE
with thoughts of Who
can rearrange them.

Just decided to do a little dusting over here, don't mind me...

I look through a gallery of paintings done by a friend and smile. She must feel complete, I decide. What a blessing it must be to do what it is you are created to do.

And so I think. And wonder. And ask. What is it that I have been created to be? Will I know it when I am doing it? Will it come easy and be easy or will I have to work at it to get it just right? Will I be generous or secretive? Will it be all for Him or is it meant to be shared?

It seems like I spend so many moments waiting, watching, hoping...and not enough reflecting, rejoicing, being. I have been given an incredible gift. What is it. What am I doing with it? Has it changed me? Has it changed the way I interact or does my lack of constant perspective cause me to counteract it's supposed powers of freedom...

Thinking. Prayerful. Wonderful God. So many thoughts to be marvelled at. Being romanced, embraced, loved. Just as I am. Really? Now?

Secrets for my heart waiting to be told on His baited breath. Then, a whisper, a heart, a confirmation extends my feeling of faith. But faith is not a feeling. Neither is grace. A moment of clarity is followed by hours of mystified silence. I balance them between my spirit and fist. Remind. Rewind. Entertwine. And then try to mesh two totally opposite arguments together inside my spirit...Collide!

A stride in the right direction. A narrow road.
Vines.
Mines.
Signs.
I grab my blanket and crawl into this. Bliss. Reminisce. A moment so clear. Tomorrow austere. I cling. Sing. Bring. An offering. A heart. To trust His heart.
Dust.
Must.
I thrust my head upon His shoulders.
Combust!
The dream forms notes of fragrant music...from within me.
I cannot control it, but it must not stop. Don't stop now. Show me how. To live. Fully. Yours.
No more scores.
No chores.
Just open doors.
And Your chest of drawers...filled to the brim for me.

The ABOMINATION

TONIGHT my cooking was
Purely Inedible
The fact that they all agreed…
That’s Incredible
Perplexed, I try to analyze
The spontaneity
In which I had devised
the tender glaze
of my demise…
Cuz I know it wasn’t the way
With which
I fried the noodles
Without a hitch
And it wasn’t the zuccini
Frozen and thawed
That truly made the dish
Become flawed
Perhaps it was the sausage balls
Wetter than Niagra Falls
Soggy, raw, and hardly meat
They gave away that I did cheat
Or maybe it was stale bread chunks
I threw right in
Thinking proudly with a grin
That surely this will make me win
Italian salad dressing truly
was a unique flavour
Although not enough to fully savour
When mixed with the tomato treat
It stubbornly professed defeat
Surely it was the combination
That created this abomination
As I sit back and think, think, think
It’s not ONE thing that made it stink
But nonetheless there was not one link
To keep it from the kitchen sink
Don’t know whether to laugh
Or cry
But tomorrow I shall
Give it another try…

Perpetual Checkmate

If my life were a game of chess, with Whom am I playing? Would I be trying to win... or if I started to realize I had no chance of winning, would I join the other side, start another game, or just give up and go home? My life isn't a game. But every once in a while there is a coveted sense of God's closeness, and my hands, although willfully submitted, are also fully tied. Checkmate.

There are only two teams. We're either for Him or against Him. Do I want what He wants? Then I actually want the checkmate. I embrace it. It is a cover of humility that I carry around with me that reveals a submitted heart to the One who is going to win the game.

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant..." (Phil. 2:5-7)

Rows and Rows of Nothingness...

Money to spend. Only me to spend it on. But the racks of clothing offered vague condolences. It was as unfulfilling to flip through rows of shirts as sorting through a haystack. So much straw. Not enough needles. Sure, I could use a few more shirts for variety in my daily life. But nothing spoke out, and I was lulled to listless discouragement at the repeating patterns and lying "sale" prices. Nothing spoke. Nothing called. And certainly nothing "jumped out."

I toyed with the idea of the seemlessly selfless act of giving it all away, leaving the responsibility to spend the gift of money behind me. But no one in the store jumped out at me either. Frankly, if they had, I'd probably hold more tightly to my purse.

So I faced a paradox today. To give...to spend...to hold. None of it felt right.

Meaningless. It's all meaningless.

Are you listening?

I assume that no one really hears when I speak. Sometimes I am okay with that. Other times I am mad at myself for assuming the worst. I speak briefly. With no detail. And. Summarize. Quickly. Before anyone can change the subject or get distracted. Because surely if that happens to me (again) that is a sign of disinterest. Neglect. That they don't care. Worthless banter. Again. And I wonder...

Yes, it is clearly in my childhood. I replay a video tape of a little girl repeating a comment over and over again as the adults in the room ignore the floating fragments like a stinky fart that wafts to and fro until it's power subsides and then extinguishes.

The irony is that no one would ever know that I feel this way when I speak. Around those with whom I know well, I speak freely and with confidence. It's not an issue.

But around groups? And I am going to be in a group tonight. And I am often in groups of people. They need to hear what I have to say. But my tongue cramps up and my brain turns off. Tongue-tied with nothing to say, I behave properly and don't waste anyone's time.

But when I am on stage...I suddenly know that I am heard. And believe that what I have to say affects the lives of those who listen. Surprisingly, I do not even wonder or blink. In fact, in most circumstances, I am even unbothered if no one is listening. There is an intimacy between me and God and a vulnerability that appears when I am on stage. It if it exists purely between the two of us, I do not care. And it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

But why does it take a stage to effect this change in my personality? To others, they might assume I am a hypocrite...so quiet in groups, and so bold on stage...

Muffled words
uttered quickly
sickly
As though you do not want to hear
I appear
sheepish
cheapish
Behind my useless lips
In another moment
I become changed
My fear exchanged
with careful carelessness
Abandonment
to purpose
Oblivious
to your time
or my time
But being there in
just the right time.