the fickleness of fairness

Today I had a bug flying around in the house. Not a ladybug or a butterfly or even a pesky house fly. It was minding its own business until I got the fly swatter out and showed it who was boss. Only when it was flattened and juicy on my window did I begin to dissect its character.

"It's not fair."

My kids consistantly try to hold me accountable to this mysterious "fair bug" and I although I have refused to let it bite me, today I dug a shallow grave for the little guy in an attempt to finally put it to rest. The truth is, I make regular attempts to reveal to my children how their faces change the instant they compare themseves to someone else, in hopes that they will see how they were content the brief moment prior.

Being a child of God, I like to think about how He parents me and then ask myself if my strategies are consistent with His. If it is true that He doesn't have "favorite" children, He sure has an uncommon way of showing it. Mary (the Mother of Jesus) was deemed "favored among women," the farmer in one parable paid the farmhands who began their work at the end of the day the same wage as at the ones who worked all day long, and only a select few were raised from the dead. And those are only a few Biblical examples. Sam, down the street, well, his house is bigger, his children are better behaved, and he just doesn't seem to get sick as often. If I didn't understand God's heart, I would see that, by means of comparison, no two receive the same perceived blessings or gifts. Instead, each one is given according to his need.

But God, I need more money, and a better job and I need...don't you know what I need?

Yes. He knows. In fact, He knows before I ask. And He knows better than I.

If you didn't know that God's heart was for you, not against you, you might...after analyzing His blatent neglect of you, be convinced that life isn't fair. And therefore, God isn't fair either.

Well, my friends, it's true. There is not much in life that is fair. But that is very different from convincing yourself that God loves you less just because you decided to compare yourself to someone else and get unhappy.

For those of us who "get this" concept already...then WHY do we, at Christmas time...make extra effort to be fair?

It's just easier, isn't it? And when something is easier that means it's better for you and those around you, right? Hmmm...

I think about what God does with His children. Surely God gives everyone the exact same gift so that no ones feelings get hurt and no one has to feel uncomfortable or jealous, right? Surely God is concerned with fairness. Isn't each person given the exact same "measure" of faith? Isn't each given the same "gift"? Oh my. What kind of God would we have...who would allow Himself to be confined by our definition of "fairness"?

A few years ago, I watched how crippling this false sense of "justice" is when my grandmother felt she was unable to support a grandchild going through very difficult financial trouble because, in order to give him money, she would "have to" give all of her grandchildren the exact same in order to not show favortism and be fair. Her hands were tied, and she herself tied them in the name of "fair." How sad her heart must have been to not be able to help a child in need!

Today the discomfort of "unfairness" was put to the test in me strongly. I had an arrangement with a friend of mine that this year we wouldn't be giving each other gifts for Christmas. Well, like a good rule-follower...I kept the rules emphatically.

But...guess what? Everything was fine until...she didn't keep the rules. Can I tell you how hard it was to receive a gift from someone knowing that I had nothing for her? My heart screamed injustice, and although I wanted desperately to find something...anything, to give in return to balance the table, I had nothing. My hands were empty and I was out of time. It was an uncomfortable blessing, and I think I grew about 12 inches after eating my own words!!

Complete, unfavored, unconditional love cannot be fully received if it is constantly being compared. We need to learn to receive, be blessed, and fully loved.

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him."

Psalm 37:4-6

don't cry over spilled milk tomorrow

So there it sits in front of me. The "new post." It's sitting here blank except for this first sentence. Just staring at me. What do I need to say?

I read this morning something that said, "business death or life." I know it doesn't make sense. But it pulls two subjects together. Business. And death or life.

It made me think about my life's "business" or purpose. I wondered if life is coming out of it or death? Well, I certainly hope the answer is life! But there are certainly areas that need to break off of me and die. They are bearing no fruit.

Or milk.

Or maybe too much milk.

Let me explain. I am always thankful for opportunities to practise the fruit of the Spirit. (You know...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.) After all, without practise, how can it grow?

Yesterday morning Eden spilled her milk. No, it wasn't just a spill, it was a side-swiped, splatter, swish, slam, spill-dunk. The pause and silence that followed is comical to me now as I think about it because years ago she would always cry after spilling her milk. Now, appearently, we just look at it on the floor.

Anyway, I was hungry, so I finished eating my breakfast before saying anything. Then I got her a rag to clean it up herself. I knew what a terrific job she'd do cleaning it up herself (yes, I'm being sarcastic), but it was important to me that she knew that spills are work (or should I say "business"?), and this particular morning, I was okay with her doing the work. (Normally my sticky-control-freak jumps up before it can even say "spilled milk" and it's cleaned. I always promise myself that I'll get her to do it next time).

I can't remember why I left the room, but for some reason, when I returned, my son was standing in the middle of the not-very-well-cleaned-up spilled milk puddle with his socks. And I lost it.

Now, it's true to say that I "normally" don't lose it. And when I'm about to lose it, I usually get a sense that it's coming, so there's a bit of a ramp. I don't usually just jump off the top like that. But he had to know he was standing in a puddle of milk, didn't he? He's five. Come on.

So I yelled.

And he cried.

And then the pride in the "we-don't-cry-over-spilled-milk" slogan we were beginning to perfect was once again lost in translation.

So what happened?

I think my business was failing. My focus was on the cumulation of sticky. I was learning to be okay with only one sticky, but two stickies back-to-back I was simply unprepared for. I suppose I should rejoice that the fruit of patience had the opportunity to grow. I had graduated to a new level of patience. Yay me.

So I ask myself, Is my business creating life or death? My business is with my family. Let me do a check on them...are they exuding life or death? I'm not saying I'm responsible for their emotional state. I'm saying I'm responsible for mine. I need to breathe life into them no matter what their current state is, sticky or not. Rational or not. Needy or needless. Life.

Today I choose life. Yeah, so a little death fell off of me. Good riddence. I'm not waiting until tomorrow to start over, even though one of my favorite sayings is "God's mercies are new every morning." I'm not waiting until the morning today. I'm going to breathe in His grace. Rest in it. I'm going to cry and let it out. Let that chunk fall right off. Then start over again with New business that's on the agenda for today.

My business will be life. I'm choosing it.

playing. the fiddle.

It's been a while since I wrote! I think I'm in a "blank" phase of life. Like "writer's block" just with a "blank" instead of a "block." I'm trying to convince myself that I'm just soaking up inspiration from all around me, but it's going straight inside and not coming out. I wonder if it's getting lost inside of me somewhere...with all of this, shouldn't it be coming out? I guess there is a season for gaining and learning. Hopefully it's making me ready for the next thing. Not sure I'm preparing to the best of my ability. Most of the time I feel tired. Too tired to play. Only enough energy to work. But I have enough energy for other things. It's unpredictable because eventually I won't want to work and just play. Hmmm...now that I wrote that, I wonder...don't think it's true. When was the last time I just wanted to play?

Going along for the ride

There are few things in life more contesting and regenerating than when I discover something about myself that needs to change. Occassionally, the problem and the solution present themselves simultaneously, exposing a glint of ease, if for only a moment. Even in those brief segments, a dream is laid bare against a nightmare, and my soul is summoned to choose an answer.

I have had the opportunity to feel the twisting and pulling and dunking of these changes in my life this past week. It's like I'm at the top of a wild waterslide looking at the only way down and the only decision I really have to make is how long do I shiver at the top.

...the twisting is what happens to my stomach when I realize I am not what I thought I was. Before this moment, I didn't know that my attitude wouldn't volunteer for the ride.

...the pulling is when I begin my descent sprawling out with hands and feet, trying to stop myself on the way down...Before this moment, I didn't know that my fear was stopping me from experiencing the joy of breakthrough. Finally, the water overtakes me; I can no longer control my speed and it's a slippery ride.

...the dunking...oh, that splash of cold water at the end! Before that moment, I didn't know I would be smiling at the bottom.

And that's the best part because it's over and I just did it.

It happened.
That wasn't so bad.
And for a few brief moments I consider
going
again.

Where perspective is...

I don't know what I'm going to write about today. Just want to write.

Lately I have discovered how amazing perspective is...yet it is so wonderfully fleeting.

If I grasp for it, I turn into a whimsical cartoon character who is trying to catch a dragonfly. I run frantically to get that super-bug-catching-net that's around the corner...But by the time I have the net, the dragonfly is long gone!

And when I have an attitude of waiting, expecting to hear...perspective lands perched on the tip of my toe in the perfect time.

"So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective."

Col. 3:1

Who are you racing against?

You win. That makes you the Winner. I lose. That makes me the Loser...right?

...am I just a sore loser?
...or is there something about this voracious appetite to win that we need to reconsider?

Is there anything in the Bible that says "competition" with each other is good? We compete with each other when we're playing games and sports...it's innocent enough, right? If it is, I'm sure this combative, antagonistic behaviour is endorsed in the Bible...so I ask...

...Who invented it?

Definition of Competition:

1. the act of competing; rivalry for supremacy, a prize, etc
2. a contest for some prize, honor, or advantage
3. Sociology. rivalry between two or more persons or groups for an object desired in common, usually resulting in a victor and a loser.
   

When I look for the word "compete" in the Bible, I see phrases like, "They compete in the race to do evil" (Isa. 59:1) and "'Your leaders...compete in crime (Ez. 22:6)." I see that "Human strength can't begin to compete with God's "weakness" in 1 Cor. 1:22. But is there anything good about competition?

The desire for competition in us comes from our sin nature, not God's divine nature. God didn't become bored one day and come up with an idea to bring evil into the world so that He could have a fight, and maybe win if He was lucky. It was not God's design that Satan rise up as a competitor for first place.

Where does the striving come from? When a spirit of competition rises up in us, who are we identifying ourselves with more? God? Or Satan? Read this about Satan's "loss":

"How you have fallen from heaven, O morning star, son of the dawn! You have been cast down to the earth, you who once laid low the nations! You said in your heart, 'I will ascend to heaven;
I will raise my throne above the stars of God; I will sit enthroned on
the mount of assembly, on the utmost heights of the sacred mountain.'"

(Isa. 14:11-13)

So if Satan invented the idea of competition, and we are to rid ourselves of these urges, how do we behave as though it does not exist?

First, there is room for all of us in Christ. That means all of our gifts, even though they may seem similiar, are unique. The room to spread out and grow is enormous and should not feel threatening to you as though you will become less because of their growth. Weakness becomes an honor, because of what Christ can do with it:

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made
perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my
weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
(2 Cor. 12:9)

Secondly, let's become aware of how we regard "competition" in our hearts today. Let's practise being content with second place:

"So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God
picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline.
Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense."
(Col. 3:12-13)

When turn our eyes to Jesus...look full in His wonderful face...the things of earth (winning?) will grow strangely dim...in the light of His glory and grace...

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you...

"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are--no
more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of
everything that can't be bought...

"You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family."

(Matt. 5: 4, 5, 9 MSG)

Linger. Create. Drink. Refresh.

Trust.
Wait.
Simmer.
Glimmer.

Chop.
Pull.
Burn.
Turn.

Remind.
Unwind.
Know.
Grow.