Am I a good mother?

I asked my daughter early this morning (before I had thought too deeply about it or I would have surely not asked the question) if she thought I was a good mother. "Sometimes," she responded honestly, likely recalling all the times I had refused her more sugar and the last time I raised my voice.

I was immediately sorry that I asked. Not sorry because of her answer, but sorry because it shouldn't matter. I'm going to mess up. I'll have good days, bad days, and medium days. The most important thing is that I'm serving them like Jesus served and giving them an example of love that they can follow.

That means reflecting joy. Not being so overworked that I can't smile and tell a joke. Peace. Requiring it of my heart and showing them that it's worth fighting for. Patience. Ahhhh...yes, the one with which I ask them to pray for me to have more of. At it's core, isn't patience putting them before myself? Why is it so hard to be late for school? Why must I always be coaxing them to go faster, be faster, do faster. Kindness. God's kindness leads me to repentence. How does my kindness compare with that? Goodness. I'm really at a loss about goodness. I have a friend who says my "goodness" makes her mad sometimes. I just can't see it. It's undefined for me right now. Faithfulness. My heart quickly clings to God's faithfulness. As a mother, my body is faithful to the midnight calls because I'm in their room before my brain has had a chance to wonder what just happened. In that way, faithfulness is like "magic" to me. It's supernatural. Can't plan it. And yet, there are times when you choose not to walk away. Gentleness. I have noticed that the more gentle I am in my tone with the kids, the lower their tolerance is. "Mom, be gentle with me..." they'll say when I reprimand them. Not sure gentleness is fully understood by me yet. Self-control. Ouch. There's another one. Especially this time of year. If I'm "sneaking" into the pantry, chances are it's not the first one I've had today. How can I require self-control of my children when I'm not displaying it in the simple area of "treating myself"? And what does self-control have to do with love? I guess it means loving myself enough to know that even though it tastes good, it's pleasure lasts for a moment.

So what is it that makes me a good mother? The way I think of it is whether or not I am loving. Love never fails. The problem? I am uncapable of loving in such a capacity. If I have not spent time quietly receiving the fullness of God's love for me...chances are my tank is dwindling. Where do I go to receive more love? That is also an important question...I am learning that God alone has what I need to be filled.

Does it matter that my daughter thinks I am only "sometimes" a good mother? Not really. She's six. There are things she won't even realize until she is an adult. Ways she was shaped by my misbehaviour as well as my behaviour. What really matters is what God thinks of me. Is my ambition to please Him or my daughter? I'm in deep trouble here if my ambition is to please her...the jury's still out on me as far as she's concerned. But if my focus remains on pleasing God, my motives and direction change. And they won't wander far.

"Christians make such extraordinary claims, but live such ordinary lives."

I want to live a life full with love...what extraordinary things will happen when my ambition is to please God alone and look to Him to fill up my heart with His love?