Are you listening?

I assume that no one really hears when I speak. Sometimes I am okay with that. Other times I am mad at myself for assuming the worst. I speak briefly. With no detail. And. Summarize. Quickly. Before anyone can change the subject or get distracted. Because surely if that happens to me (again) that is a sign of disinterest. Neglect. That they don't care. Worthless banter. Again. And I wonder...

Yes, it is clearly in my childhood. I replay a video tape of a little girl repeating a comment over and over again as the adults in the room ignore the floating fragments like a stinky fart that wafts to and fro until it's power subsides and then extinguishes.

The irony is that no one would ever know that I feel this way when I speak. Around those with whom I know well, I speak freely and with confidence. It's not an issue.

But around groups? And I am going to be in a group tonight. And I am often in groups of people. They need to hear what I have to say. But my tongue cramps up and my brain turns off. Tongue-tied with nothing to say, I behave properly and don't waste anyone's time.

But when I am on stage...I suddenly know that I am heard. And believe that what I have to say affects the lives of those who listen. Surprisingly, I do not even wonder or blink. In fact, in most circumstances, I am even unbothered if no one is listening. There is an intimacy between me and God and a vulnerability that appears when I am on stage. It if it exists purely between the two of us, I do not care. And it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

But why does it take a stage to effect this change in my personality? To others, they might assume I am a hypocrite...so quiet in groups, and so bold on stage...

Muffled words
uttered quickly
sickly
As though you do not want to hear
I appear
sheepish
cheapish
Behind my useless lips
In another moment
I become changed
My fear exchanged
with careful carelessness
Abandonment
to purpose
Oblivious
to your time
or my time
But being there in
just the right time.